Hellsing: Random Stories, Tales and More!
by ProtoKnightblazer
Summary: Another work of random tales and stories mainly revolving around the world of Hellsing. Expect many OOCness, strange references, yellow smiley squishy balls and more! Rated T for dirty refrencesjokes, a bit of language and a splat of blood.
1. Balls & Canines

Well, I got bored. Another author who's crazy enough to do a collection of strange, humorous and overall just pure random short (or long) stories centered around the manga-based Hellsing centric world. Reviews, suggestions and critque are much apprectaited. Hope ya'll enjoy it while it lasts. I may add in my OC, but I'll think about it first. For now, enjoy and laugh along in these crazy times!

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**The Dog's (and fledging's) Best Plaything**

"I'm bored..." Seras Victoria said to herself in a sing-song voice as she flopped herself onto the coffin-bed. There wasn't any missions tonight: no ghouls, no FREAKs… nothing! Absolutely nothing! This could easily be one of her most boring night of her life… I mean, unlife. The female vampire sighed in resignation to herself as she stood and walked about. However, something odd caught her eye. Something… yellow.

Crouching down, Seras soon spotted what had caught her vision just now. Grinning she reached in and picked up the item in her hand. She looked at it for a moment before grinning. Now this could prove to be interesting after all…

Walter was, as usual, doing his usual duties: washing dishes, serving tea, tidying up messy rooms (an unfortunate habit of his from his younger days with Arthur) and of course, delivering the two vampire's daily rations. As said, the butler was doing the aforementioned duty, holding an iced bucket with a blood transfusion bag in it. The elder retainer had went into the basement, and was just about to enter Seras's room when…

"MASSSSTTEEEEEERRRR!!!" wailed the voice of the young female fledging.

Walter immediately acted, the huge metal portal banging open as the butler kicked it, thinking that the woman was in danger. However, when he entered it… a rather astonishing sight appeared before his eyes.

Alucard was in his familiar form, the huge hound sitting before Seras. But what really startled the butler was that Alucard, the greatest Nosferatu in the world, the being with power to destroy all of London and beyond… was actually panting happing as the back of he was cooed by his female fledging. The butler looked down, and dropped the bucket he was holding.

The retainer never noticed the loud crash as the metallic bucket crashed onto the stone floor. He never noticed the ice cubes spilling all over. He never noticed the bag was actually still in one piece even after falling. All he noticed was the time lying in between Alucard's paws and Seras's feet.

A ball.

A squishy ball.

A squishy, bright _yellow _ball.

It was common fact that Alucard hated playing with balls (unless we are speaking it of a different sort, which I shall not divulge into due to young readers) especially bright, sunny yellow ones. Granted, dogs liked balls, but the elder median could hardly be classified a dog. No hound would have red eyes, let alone one the size of a pony.

"Miss Victoria, just what has happened?" questioned the rather stunned butler.

The strawberry-haired fledging grinned as she picked up and held up the ball. "I played fetch with Master!" she exclaimed with a bright smile. If it were an anime, Walter would have fell down that way. Instead he gave a slight cough and looked at the squishy sphere the young fledging was holding. Upon studying it closer, the elder retainer realized that the ball even had a smiley face on it.

"And just how did you get Alucard to play with it?" he asked.

"Well, I found it under my bed, and so I was just toying with it when Master came in and decided to annoy me. So I… sort of tricked him into going into his familiar form… and… and…"

**_I should have never taught her how to flaunt power against dogs… _**muttered Alucard groggily before his 'doggy' instincts gave in and he whined for more cooing from his young fledging. Walter merely muttered a few choice words under his breath as he turned to exit the room, go to the kitchen and grab a rag and perhaps immerse himself in a cup of coffee to forget this awkward situation.

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**Moral: **Never, ever teach Seras how to flaunt power over the dogs. You might just get ensnared in it yourself.

Until next time!

** ProtoKnightblazer**


	2. Cigars & Tobacco

Thanks for reviewing, all. I really appreciate your support. And now, let us go to yet another randomness-filled chapter!

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**Power of Tobacco**

Integra Hellsing was doing her usual daily (and annoying, sadly) paperwork. The platinum blond haired woman sighed deeply as she shuffled through the many papers stacked upon her desk. Even after a decade of leadership, the Hellsing head could never get over the annoying, bloody task that was paperwork. Integra would rather be off shooting in the firing range or even screaming at Alucard than doing this.

And speaking of the devil… or Alucard, as everyone calls him…

The Nosferatu in question melted through the ceiling, fangs flashing as the vampire showed his trademark maniacal grin towards his Master. Integra had to resist the temptation to roll her eyes, or chuck one of her many sliver ashtrays at him. The lady could only list out a hundred and one reasons why no one should take the dictatorship of this institute, rather than a list on why they _should_ take it.

"Good Evening, Master," greeted the red-clad vampire in his usual fashion. Integra merely grunted in acknowledgement, not really noticing as Alucard dropped and landed gracefully, akin to a cat. Well, she did notice the way he landed. Like a cat – correction, _exactly_ like a cat.

"What the devil happened to you, Alucard?" questioned Integra, one of her slender eyebrows arched as she looked impassively at the vampire with a look that held both confusion and amusement. Well, this was better than paperwork, at any rate. Alucard grinned as he got up and brushed the dust off his coat. The female head didn't even bat an eyelid as the vampire leaned towards her and said, "Why, I didn't know you cared, Master."

"Cared? I'm afraid you're wrong there. I was just wondering if that stunt your fledging pulled still kept you mentally in one piece." Saying that, the woman chuckled a little at the scowl that crossed the elder vampire's face. Seras did have to pay for that action someday… but not for now. Grinning, Alucard sat himself on the chair in front of Integra's desk and propped both his booted feet on it, making the human scowl at the undead in return.

Lighting up the cigar in her mouth, Integra glared at her servant and snapped out, "Remove your bloody feet from my desk, idiot."

To her surprise, Alucard didn't obey. Instead he folded his arms and glared straight back at her. "Why should I?" questioned the vampire… with a pout. Integra starred at the vampire for a moment, wondering if her hearing was still right.

"Excuse me?" started the female incredulously, "I'm your master, and so you must follow my orders."

Alucard snorted. "That's a lame excuse."

"Are you really alright?"

"I'm never better, Master. Why did you ask?"

"…you're not yourself, idiot."

"Is there ever a 'myself', Master?"

"…" Integra paused at that, starring at Alucard for a few more moments before taking a drag out from her cigar. "That's it. I give up on this conversation. Just what do you want?"

The vampire grinned as he leaned forward again. "May I borrow a box of your cigars?"

"WHAT?!" the human half-screamed in shock. "What in the world do you need them for, idiot? Besides, these cigars have no tobacco in them."

Now it was Alucard who paused at that statement. "What… did you say?"

"I said: These. Cigars. Have. No. Tobacco."

"I KNEW IT!" yelled a voice from the door. The twin wooden portals burst open to reveal a whooping Seras at the doorway. Integra looked at the Police Girl in shock and disbelief, while Alucard glared daggers at his fledging. The strawberry blond haired girl grinned as she walked up to the elder vampire and blew a raspberry at him. "Told you her cigars have no tobacco, Master! Now you can't annoy me for the next three days!" giggled the young fledging.

Integra's eyebrow twitched at that statement.

"You're saying you have been annoying me just to see if my cigars are vegetarian?!" demanded the human as a vein throbbed at her forehead. Both Seras and Alucard actually sweatdropped.

"Uhh… I have to train! Bye!" the young woman quickly exclaimed as she sped out of the room, slamming the doors behind her. Alucard turned to look and his Master and started, "Well, Master… it's been a good chat and now I have to---"

"OH NO YOU DON'T, IDIOT!" screamed the enraged and royally ticked off Integra Hellsing, cutting of the vampire in his tracks as she took out her pistol (loaded with sliver bullets) from her desk drawer. Walter stood outside the room, starring hard at the tea he brought for Integra while trying to flush out his brain from the many gunshots coming from inside.

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Random, random, random. What can I say? It's just too crazy at times. Well, until next time!

**ProtoKnightblazer**


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